Numb or desensitized?

As I sit here and write this, it’s currently 4:00AM. Tonight I worked my part-time job in hospitality, hoping to save up a fair mint before my University year resuming on the 29th. That sounds like, almost, the precursor to the dream.

I’d like to think I have everything under control.

I’d like to think that I’m heading in the right direction.

These are emotions or feelings that I’m assuming. I don’t actually feel them. It’s strange. I know what I should be feeling, but it’s just not accumulating itself in the correct chemical format for me to feel.

So, does this mean I’m numb? or Am I just desensitized? Have I been down this road before and I’m prepared, or am I aware that I shouldn’t be feeling how I’m feeling – but instead I should be feeling how I’m not.

If I was numb, that means I wouldn’t feel at all. I wouldn’t be self-aware of these emotions?

If I was desensitized, I wouldn’t be considering the idea of being numb because I’ve been here before.

I’m on the right direction, but that’s assuming that I only know the goal is illuminating the rest of the road, which I’m not quite sure it is. These ramblings almost seem like a disorganized choreographed, desperate plea for some type of help.

I know it’s not right to expect credit for unfinished work, so I’m curious who is going to get the credit for me when I’m finished. I need to find that person to take the credit, before I take it myself.

Don’t suffer alone.



Quake Champions NDA Lifted: A short reflection

I’ve been in the Quake Champions beta. Being a huge Quake fan I have played Quake Champions at nauseum and posted to the closed beta forums when I can because I really want to see this game succeed and for an arena FPS to have a healthy community and that is community driven.

At first I was incredibly critical of the implementation of a “Champions” system as this meant that movement speeds and health pools vary. I felt, originally, that this created an incredible imbalance as I felt as if the trade off between between health and movement speed wasn’t comparable.

Apart of the “Champions” system, each player is given an ability button. I also felt as if these abilities were very “anti-Quake”. I was particularly a little thrown off when a giant Lizard sprayed acid everywhere and I proceeded to die from a bleed damage. Abilities seem to be incredibly out of place in Quake Champions. I feel as if they always have, even after the latest wave of patches. I don’t feel as if they are in the spirit of the game, as if you are met with a player that is of similar skill to you, and they use their ability, typically the only way you can counter the use of that ability is through using your own. Overall this creates an incredibly passive style of play that rewards conservative behavior.

Despite there being differences between Champions and the over praise of passive game play, I feel so far, that Quake Champions are on the correct path to being a fantastic game. I would like to see what mode of game the community accepts as the competitive standard.  A “classic” game mode wouldn’t go astray either.



It’s a simple, yet diverse concept. The idea of being motivated. Having the want to go out and do something. Sometimes motivation can come in extreme forms where you need to do something – maybe for survival, maybe for release.

Why? Is the most common question of motivation. Why exactly are you doing something? To be the best? To make money? To escape? This question has always intrigued me in the context of online personalities. What exactly was their motivation? Looking at people like Destiny or even Philip DeFranco, what was their end goal?

When these personalities started into the dream of stardom, what did they expect? Surely, they didn’t expect to make an extravagant amount of money, live fulfilled lives, have more popularity and influence then they ever imagined. Perhaps, motivations and goals don’t ever need to align. What’s stopping you from starting what you need, regardless of your goal .

Start a journey based off the motivation, not the end goal.

Maybe your needs could be the reasons why you get all of your wants.