Numb or desensitized?

As I sit here and write this, it’s currently 4:00AM. Tonight I worked my part-time job in hospitality, hoping to save up a fair mint before my University year resuming on the 29th. That sounds like, almost, the precursor to the dream.

I’d like to think I have everything under control.

I’d like to think that I’m heading in the right direction.

These are emotions or feelings that I’m assuming. I don’t actually feel them. It’s strange. I know what I should be feeling, but it’s just not accumulating itself in the correct chemical format for me to feel.

So, does this mean I’m numb? or Am I just desensitized? Have I been down this road before and I’m prepared, or am I aware that I shouldn’t be feeling how I’m feeling – but instead I should be feeling how I’m not.

If I was numb, that means I wouldn’t feel at all. I wouldn’t be self-aware of these emotions?

If I was desensitized, I wouldn’t be considering the idea of being numb because I’ve been here before.

I’m on the right direction, but that’s assuming that I only know the goal is illuminating the rest of the road, which I’m not quite sure it is. These ramblings almost seem like a disorganized choreographed, desperate plea for some type of help.

I know it’s not right to expect credit for unfinished work, so I’m curious who is going to get the credit for me when I’m finished. I need to find that person to take the credit, before I take it myself.

Don’t suffer alone.



Quake Champions NDA Lifted: A short reflection

I’ve been in the Quake Champions beta. Being a huge Quake fan I have played Quake Champions at nauseum and posted to the closed beta forums when I can because I really want to see this game succeed and for an arena FPS to have a healthy community and that is community driven.

At first I was incredibly critical of the implementation of a “Champions” system as this meant that movement speeds and health pools vary. I felt, originally, that this created an incredible imbalance as I felt as if the trade off between between health and movement speed wasn’t comparable.

Apart of the “Champions” system, each player is given an ability button. I also felt as if these abilities were very “anti-Quake”. I was particularly a little thrown off when a giant Lizard sprayed acid everywhere and I proceeded to die from a bleed damage. Abilities seem to be incredibly out of place in Quake Champions. I feel as if they always have, even after the latest wave of patches. I don’t feel as if they are in the spirit of the game, as if you are met with a player that is of similar skill to you, and they use their ability, typically the only way you can counter the use of that ability is through using your own. Overall this creates an incredibly passive style of play that rewards conservative behavior.

Despite there being differences between Champions and the over praise of passive game play, I feel so far, that Quake Champions are on the correct path to being a fantastic game. I would like to see what mode of game the community accepts as the competitive standard.  A “classic” game mode wouldn’t go astray either.



It’s a simple, yet diverse concept. The idea of being motivated. Having the want to go out and do something. Sometimes motivation can come in extreme forms where you need to do something – maybe for survival, maybe for release.

Why? Is the most common question of motivation. Why exactly are you doing something? To be the best? To make money? To escape? This question has always intrigued me in the context of online personalities. What exactly was their motivation? Looking at people like Destiny or even Philip DeFranco, what was their end goal?

When these personalities started into the dream of stardom, what did they expect? Surely, they didn’t expect to make an extravagant amount of money, live fulfilled lives, have more popularity and influence then they ever imagined. Perhaps, motivations and goals don’t ever need to align. What’s stopping you from starting what you need, regardless of your goal .

Start a journey based off the motivation, not the end goal.

Maybe your needs could be the reasons why you get all of your wants.

My Relationship with Video Games 

I don’t believe for a second that a ‘golden age’ of video games has come, nor has it gone. It’s all relative. Gaming post-2010 has been the slow funeral of ‘fun’, with a eulogy ironically spoken by eSports.

While I could ramble on about my history with video games, I don’t think that is what this post should be about. I would like to provide some insight into why I am apathetic towards gaming in 2017.

The truth of the matter is that I just don’t have a game anymore. For the longest time my game was either an MMO such as; LoTRO or WoW. The Tab-Target MMO has been lost on me as I’ve gotten in my twenties. It isn’t satisfying me. Now, I’m not sure if it is the style of game as much as it is the game itself because I do find myself going back to WoW occasionally. I suppose it’s the feeling of responsibility that has sucked my motivation to continue with WoW. Which is where Black Desert Online has succeeded so well. If you need time off there is always catch up mechanics and you don’t need to wait for an event or a patch. The catch up mechanics are relative to you.

Most recently, I have rekindled with OS-Runescape. Progression isn’t something that is expected as a cohort, but much rather progression is individualist. This means that I can drop in or out if I’m feeling burnt out, as where many other games don’t allow that. Most of the time your goals within OS-Runescape can be set and met individually. I think this is an incredible trait for an MMO to have and the fact that a game with such simplistic roots is able to achieve this.

Akin to my return to OS-Runescape I found myself picking up Starcraft 2 recently. After only ever being interested in the story mode of the Starcraft Universe.  I’ve decided to dive head first into the multiplayer aspect. I’m loving it. I wish I had jumped on this sooner, back when Starcraft 2 was the game for everyone. Once again, it is a individual driven game where if I want to improve I can put the hours in, but if I am feeling burnt out I am not causing any misfortune or inconvenience by taking a few days to a week off.

While I’ve mentioned quite a lot about multiplayer games, yet keeping the motif of individualism, I would suppose that the question in mind is ‘Why not just play single player games?’. It’s a fair point, and if I was reading the ramblings of some irrelevant Australian, I would probably suggest the same to the moron. The answer is, I do. I don’t believe single player, story driven games are made with the same level of care as they once where. There isn’t a new IP that has interested in a very long time. There are built franchises that are rebooting in the modern era and between those games like Doom, Wolfenstein, Tomb Raider, Uncharted, Final Fantasy and Ratchet and Clank, I’m satisfied. I don’t feel the need to expand further as when you’ve been around gaming for as long as I have you start to notice all of the drawn influences each new IP has. It bugs me to no end and it usually isn’t implemented as well as what it was originally.

Despite it probably being better for my health, I don’t necessarily have a game at the moment. I’m waiting for the next game that will suck away 8 years of my life like WoW did. I’m waiting for something that will innovate and inspire me as much as Doom 2 did. I’m waiting for the next thing in gaming to allow everyone to be involved, regardless of skill to be included and relevant.

I’m waiting to have fun again…

Who the fuck are you?

It’s a loaded question.

I’m a 22 year-old University student. Currently in undergraduate study and hoping to take my post-graduate career overseas. Between that I play video games and work part-time in hospitality.

Simple enough? Not, not really. Sorry.

Who ‘I am’ gets much more complicated because it devolves into ‘What are you doing here?’.

I’ve decided that I’m simply too interesting to not put myself out there. I want to share what I think. I want to be challenged and most of all, I want to interact.

I’m curious.

I think.